Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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