she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
