A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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