Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
