How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
