Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
