How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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