I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
