I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
