I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
