so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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