Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
