he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
