and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
