If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
