He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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