Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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