He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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