and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
