It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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