I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she smelled like a LAN party
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
