Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
