lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
