I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
