life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
