peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
