I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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