I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
