he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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