You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
