I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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