They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
