should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
