Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
