so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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