I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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