i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just forgot I was standing up.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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