She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
