Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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