her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
