She went from zero to smokin in five shots
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You ruined the universe
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
