Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
