birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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