you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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