i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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