i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
