Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude i'm inner monologue high
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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