this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
