So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
