I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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