If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
