Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
