no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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