they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
