is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
